Sign of a medical cross

A Fake Press Release Concerning Painless Male Catheters

I wrote a fake press release today. My sister (Christine Neumann) and I came up with an idea for a painless male catheter. We figured the ‘Galactic Cap’ condom that only attaches to the head of the penis would make for a better design than the Texas (or Condom) catheters currently in use. The next amendment we made was employing hydrophobic substances to eliminate all irritation and inflammation caused by flesh in contact with urine. Christine suggested that a cast could be molded from a patient’s penis and used to create a perfectly fitted opening—using hydrophobic materials. And for emergency situations where a cast cannot be made fast enough, I believe a hydrophobic ointment—applied underneath the condom—could temporarily minimize the adverse, painful effects due to urine exposure. This catheter concept may only apply to patients that do have the ability to urinate voluntarily, yet cannot get out of bed.

 

I’m not claiming to be a medical professional or an engineer (and neither is my sister). We wanted to think of something that could potentially benefit others. We don’t desire any recognition or compensation.

Below is the mock press release. Don’t bother trying to call Walter Thompson.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Siblings Develop the First Painless Male Catheter

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania – June 17th, 2014 – If you’re a male bed-ridden in a hospital, the last thing you need is the pain of a catheter. No matter how slick they get, the tubes always irritate. Christine and Daniel Neumann, siblings, think they’ve invented a solution.

 

“We read a news article about the ‘Galactic Cap,’ a condom design covering only the tip of the penis,” says Christine Neumann, an artist graduate from Messiah College. “We both posed the simple question: Why not attach a catheter tube to the ‘Galactic Cap’?”

 

There are two variations of the invention. Christine came up with the first: A mold may be casted by professionals to ensure only the urethra is in contact with urine.

 

Daniel, published author (of books such as OMA: One Man Army), says, “Alternatively—if it’s an emergency situation and no time can be spared for a proper casting—a hydrophobic ointment can be applied to the external flesh exposed to urine.”

 

Contact:

Walter Thompson

fake.identity@gmail.com

292 Windy Avenue

Nonexistent, KS, USA

(000) 433-4002

###

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *